Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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