My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
