Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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