Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Randomize
