You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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