The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I have aggressive nipples.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
