you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
