Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
