THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
