the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
