it wasn't lemon gatorade
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
