So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
