My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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