literally had 100 drinks last night.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
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