if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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