I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
