Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
