Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
