so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
