I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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