Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
