4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
