My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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