I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
