Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I want a musical about memes.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
