i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
