Apparently you make a good broom.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
