can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Randomize
