you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
