Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
