i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Randomize
