so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Randomize
