he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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