having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
True strength comes from lack of pants
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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