So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
