and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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