He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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