doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
