There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
