I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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