My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
