Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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