Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
