My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Randomize
