i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
