At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
