my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
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