Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize
