Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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