Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
