Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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