Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
